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Literature Text
Once upon a time, Germany was walking through the woods, and he noticed the most curious thing on the forest floor. It was a stick, but not just any ordinary stick. It was a beautiful stick, the most beautiful he had ever seen.
Germany was in love.
"Mein Gott," said Germany. "What a beautiful stick! I shall have dinner with you tonight!"
That night Germany went to one of the most expensive and luxurious restaurants in Berlin. The waiter gave him an odd look as he took their orders, and rolled his eyes when Germany asked for a chair for his stick. But Germany didn't care. All that matter was him and his stick.
Afterwards, Germany and his stick took a walk through the streets.
"You need a name," said Germany.
The stick said nothing.
"How about I call you Herr Stick?"
Germany swore that he saw parts of the wood form into a smile.
---
"Uhh, West, are you okay?" asked Prussia.
Germany walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and Herr Stick in his arms.
"I'm Fine, bruder. Why do you ask?" Germany asked.
"…Well, you been carrying that stick with you all week," said Prussia. "You even go to the bathroom with it."
Germany scowled. "You…you don't understand. Herr Stick understands me like no other person. He is my other half. I love him."
He filled a bowl with milk and cereal and set it down on the table, with Herr Stick in the chair.
Prussia's spoon fell into his cereal bowl with a plop. "Okay, now you're getting really weird."
"Hmf," said Germany. "You're just jealous that Herr Stick loves me. You know there are plenty more sticks in the trees. Maybe one is right for you."
Prussia looked as though he swallowed a whole bag of sour Skittles. He shook his head.
"You know what? I am going to hang out with Veneziano today…because you are just…Wow, West. Freaking, wow."
Germany went into his room.
However, he had forgotten Herr Stick.
"Kesesese," said Prussia. He grabbed Herr Stick and walked out the door.
"Oops," said Germany, walking back into the kitchen. "I forgot-" He stopped horrified.
And he threw a fit, like some kid who's Mom closed his War of Warcraft account. It was a fit full of rage and anger, yet sadness. It could be heard in all directions.
"Austria, what was that?" asked Switzerland, sitting up.
"What was what?" said Austria.
"That noise. I thought I heard something from Germany's house."
Austria shrugged. "I didn't hear anything." He held up his conductor's baton. "Lie back down, Switzerland. This won't hurt…much."
---
"Ve, Prussia, why're we here?" asked Italy, trying to pet all of the dogs jumping and slobbering on him. Prussia had taken him to a dog park, with over fifty dogs running over to glomp them.
"We're going to have a little fun with this stick," said Prussia, twirling Herr Stick in the air.
"Can I throw it?"
"Of course, Italy!
Italy launched Herr Stick across the park. "Fetch, doggies! Fetch!"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Italy and Prussia turned around. There stood Germany, as red as Spain's tomatoes, wanting to kill Italy and Prussia.
"Oh, hi, Germany!" said Italy. "You like dogs, right?"
Prussia smiled.
"YOU MONSTERS! YOU MURDERERS!" screamed Germany. "NOOO!!!"
The pack of dogs threw themselves onto Herr Stick and began fighting over him, tearing apart his gentle and delicate branches, ruining his soft bark. Eventually, both branches were snapped off and two dogs began playing tug-a-war…
It was all too much for Germany. Tears sprang into his eyes as he watched his lover be mutilated. He rushed towards the two dogs, and ferociously kicked one away. He grabbed onto Herr Stick and was now trying to yank it out of the other dog's jaw. It was all for his love. He didn't care if a dog was now tearing off his pants.
"You damn creature," he spat. "Give me back Herr Stick now!"
But the dog would not relent. Until…
SNAP!
His love was rent in two.
The other dog happily padded away with half of Herr Stick in his mouth.
Germany knelt to the ground, picking up what was left of Herr Stick. Tears freely ran down his cheeks as he hugged his late lover.
Italy and Prussia stared in awe.
Germany stood up. "I need to go home."
He shouldered between them, his pants forgotten in the dust.
And thus ended the story of two lovers, a man and his stick.
FIN
Germany was in love.
"Mein Gott," said Germany. "What a beautiful stick! I shall have dinner with you tonight!"
That night Germany went to one of the most expensive and luxurious restaurants in Berlin. The waiter gave him an odd look as he took their orders, and rolled his eyes when Germany asked for a chair for his stick. But Germany didn't care. All that matter was him and his stick.
Afterwards, Germany and his stick took a walk through the streets.
"You need a name," said Germany.
The stick said nothing.
"How about I call you Herr Stick?"
Germany swore that he saw parts of the wood form into a smile.
---
"Uhh, West, are you okay?" asked Prussia.
Germany walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and Herr Stick in his arms.
"I'm Fine, bruder. Why do you ask?" Germany asked.
"…Well, you been carrying that stick with you all week," said Prussia. "You even go to the bathroom with it."
Germany scowled. "You…you don't understand. Herr Stick understands me like no other person. He is my other half. I love him."
He filled a bowl with milk and cereal and set it down on the table, with Herr Stick in the chair.
Prussia's spoon fell into his cereal bowl with a plop. "Okay, now you're getting really weird."
"Hmf," said Germany. "You're just jealous that Herr Stick loves me. You know there are plenty more sticks in the trees. Maybe one is right for you."
Prussia looked as though he swallowed a whole bag of sour Skittles. He shook his head.
"You know what? I am going to hang out with Veneziano today…because you are just…Wow, West. Freaking, wow."
Germany went into his room.
However, he had forgotten Herr Stick.
"Kesesese," said Prussia. He grabbed Herr Stick and walked out the door.
"Oops," said Germany, walking back into the kitchen. "I forgot-" He stopped horrified.
And he threw a fit, like some kid who's Mom closed his War of Warcraft account. It was a fit full of rage and anger, yet sadness. It could be heard in all directions.
"Austria, what was that?" asked Switzerland, sitting up.
"What was what?" said Austria.
"That noise. I thought I heard something from Germany's house."
Austria shrugged. "I didn't hear anything." He held up his conductor's baton. "Lie back down, Switzerland. This won't hurt…much."
---
"Ve, Prussia, why're we here?" asked Italy, trying to pet all of the dogs jumping and slobbering on him. Prussia had taken him to a dog park, with over fifty dogs running over to glomp them.
"We're going to have a little fun with this stick," said Prussia, twirling Herr Stick in the air.
"Can I throw it?"
"Of course, Italy!
Italy launched Herr Stick across the park. "Fetch, doggies! Fetch!"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Italy and Prussia turned around. There stood Germany, as red as Spain's tomatoes, wanting to kill Italy and Prussia.
"Oh, hi, Germany!" said Italy. "You like dogs, right?"
Prussia smiled.
"YOU MONSTERS! YOU MURDERERS!" screamed Germany. "NOOO!!!"
The pack of dogs threw themselves onto Herr Stick and began fighting over him, tearing apart his gentle and delicate branches, ruining his soft bark. Eventually, both branches were snapped off and two dogs began playing tug-a-war…
It was all too much for Germany. Tears sprang into his eyes as he watched his lover be mutilated. He rushed towards the two dogs, and ferociously kicked one away. He grabbed onto Herr Stick and was now trying to yank it out of the other dog's jaw. It was all for his love. He didn't care if a dog was now tearing off his pants.
"You damn creature," he spat. "Give me back Herr Stick now!"
But the dog would not relent. Until…
SNAP!
His love was rent in two.
The other dog happily padded away with half of Herr Stick in his mouth.
Germany knelt to the ground, picking up what was left of Herr Stick. Tears freely ran down his cheeks as he hugged his late lover.
Italy and Prussia stared in awe.
Germany stood up. "I need to go home."
He shouldered between them, his pants forgotten in the dust.
And thus ended the story of two lovers, a man and his stick.
FIN
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You're a bloody pervert. You know just the right spots to make me moan louder.
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I have no idea how this thing turned out so serious. It was supposed to be purely crack.
Anyway...
Never get between a man and his stick.
Oh, btw, here's a sequel to this [link]
Hetalia (c) Himaruya
Anyway...
Never get between a man and his stick.
Oh, btw, here's a sequel to this [link]
Hetalia (c) Himaruya
© 2010 - 2024 Faol-Allaidh
Comments100
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Omg. This was cracktastic. I loved it XD